But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.