I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.