It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.