Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk