We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.