Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?