I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands