Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.