Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.