Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"