Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again