I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.