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If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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