Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo