When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.