I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.