I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here