Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian