Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.