I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.