i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl