Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
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If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?