Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?