Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?