Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.