dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it