Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
was it more than 30 minutes?
then you're in a relationship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"