I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?