i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.