what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
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All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.