to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.