I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.