You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(