Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that