He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.