Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
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she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov