The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.