Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
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Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
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About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?