you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.