Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Oregon (503)

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  My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"

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  (503): My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin" http://tfl.nu/dw59
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  I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.

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  (503): I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz. http://tfl.nu/wgvl
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  it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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  (503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers. http://tfl.nu/k78j
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  I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"

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  (503): I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina" http://tfl.nu/3nun
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  and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.

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  (503): and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath. http://tfl.nu/qhij
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  I could make wine with my vomit

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  (503): I could make wine with my vomit http://tfl.nu/9wng
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  The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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  (503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe. http://tfl.nu/ylh3
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  I peed while puking? Even better

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  Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are

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  (503): I peed while puking? Even better (1-503): Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are http://tfl.nu/zcfc
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  It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.

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  (503): It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn. http://tfl.nu/grez
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  the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.

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  (503): the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me. http://tfl.nu/obxv
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  i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.

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  (503): i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there. http://tfl.nu/qu8f
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  I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.

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  (503): I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me. http://tfl.nu/a7z0
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  I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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  (503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. http://tfl.nu/4dkg
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  New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.

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  (503): New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter. http://tfl.nu/mtsq
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  I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.

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  I am not joking.

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  (503): I just pulled a feather out of my vagina. (503): I am not joking. http://tfl.nu/l5ol
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