Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just invented taco cereal.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it