we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.