Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.