hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
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Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
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The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him