apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one