I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be