i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
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So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow