Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!