i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was