College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.