you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her