I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her