I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She even gives head with a lisp.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her