Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.