I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
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I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
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he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her