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You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you guys were way drunker than both of me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
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