yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome