onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.