just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me