Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
where are you?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice