Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame