Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls