Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning