If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.