Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old