I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO