so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.