This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.