Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
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it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.