she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.