Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”