I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?