So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up