Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.