So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up